If only I could bypass the trauma lived and experienced my life would be a lot easier Perhaps I’d be fulfilled and not on this neverending heroine journey to acknowledge how trauma happened to me to understand how it changed me to tells the stories from it so I can begin to heal from it to do all of the work so I don’t pass it on to my sons and their children because this legacy of intergenerational silence with violence needs to stop with me even if it’s sometimes a painful nightmare to deal with
se que en las mejores relaciones hay monotonía pero lo que estamos viviendo me llena de ira me esta volviendo loca, esto se siento como el fin de nuestro cuento de amor y los dos somos demasiados cobardes para aceptar que la vida que hemos construida se está volviendo una montaña de resentimiento y desilusión donde estamos atrapados por conveniencia
I no longer believe in always and forever because everyone I’ve loved has always left Or I’ve stopped loving them always and forever is a fairytale programmed into me when I was a young girl It made me believe in the impossible dreams of true love and soul mates the only thing love has ever brought me has been anger, sorrow, and self destruction so my dreams of always and forever have burned to ashes I bury in my poetry
el propósito de mi vida nunca será un trabajo o una relación Ni siquiera será en obtener un estatus lleno de lujos y respeto el propósito de mi vida me vino claridad este otoño el propósito de mi vida es ser una buena persona y madre
Video taken 6/15/2021 before my BPD Diagnosis-I was burnt out and miserable AF
6/30/2022
It’s been a year since I received my life changing diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and so much in my life has changed because of it. I started therapy sometime around late June and I had to do a 3-hour mental health assessment in two separate sessions where my therapists asked me questions about past trauma and past patterns of behavior. It was a really, rough week emotionally for me because of that and other personal stuff going on in my life. I sat down across from my therapist as she explained how Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis ended up on my concept map.
My first concept map-made on 6/30/2021, altered by me in Mid July
My reaction was one of numbness and shock. And then I made the mistake of going to the internet and looking it up and well BPD gets a bad rap for good reason. After reading all the bad things about BPD, I thought “I knew I had issues and was kind of messed up, but I didn’t expect to be this fucked up, this broken”. It doesn’t help that a couple of things that stand out on the internet about BPD are “BPD is the most painful mental disorder “Or “BPD people are manipulative” or “Some people with BPD are incapable of love”. It didn’t help that at the time I was diagnosed, I was also having a mental breakdown and my relationship at the time was on the rocks. When I told my friends and family about my diagnosis, most of them were supportive and encouraging but some were in denial and didn’t fully accept it. I was told “I couldn’t have BPD because I’m not so awful” or that “it’s not a big deal”. A couple of weeks after my diagnosis, I was broken up with. While I don’t want to go into the details about the events that led up to the demise of that relationship; I will say that the last day I saw my ex, there were a couple of things he said to me that really impacted me and made me really look at my life. I won’t say what they were, but it was useful for the next part of my journey. The breakup validated my worst fears about myself, “I’m unlovable”, I’m hard to love”, “I’m always going to be too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship” “I don’t deserve love” “I always fuck up everything good in my life” “I’m too fucked up and broken to be loved” etc., etc. Y’all have read the poetry and stories about how I don’t handle breakups well-ever. So, I’m lying-in bed crying and thinking all these things and don’t want to get up. I was on vacation when this happened so I could’ve stayed in bed all day and it would have been fine. However, something told me to keep going and getting up. The rest of the month of July is a blur to me at this point. I did document through video and journaling what I did so I know what I did, however there are parts of that month I don’t remember living.
Video taken 7/16/21, 7/19/21, 7/24/21-the start of this journey was difficult and rough-I was in and out of suicidal ideation mode for 2 weeks straight
I know I kept up with my therapy appointments and worked every day and wrote. Something I had to do for therapy was keep a daily diary card monitoring my emotions and any situations that brought out strong emotions in me. The main emotions I felt the months of July, August, and September were anger, sadness, and despair so filling out my diary card was a task but also necessary for me to get better at coping with life.
my first diary card-first two weeks of July
Something my current therapist said in group therapy was how grief makes one take a stock of life and how you’re living it. After the breakup, while yes, I felt this immense grief over that situation, I also felt grief and anger over other traumatic events in my life I hadn’t healed from. It was like I had this closet full of unprocessed trauma that was about to burst open at any time and in July, the door busted wide open and out came well, almost everything I kept inside of me well hidden. Shame, guilt, anger, fury, despair, sadness over past trauma were feelings I became well acquainted with for those first three months. I felt stuck at times in this emotional fog but somehow kept going. I continually asked myself what the purpose of all my hard work was and at first it was so that I don’t ever “split” on my kids like I had on other people in my past. I also had to learn a new language with my BPD diagnosis. I know that sounds weird but with all the new vocabulary words thrown at me, it’s what it felt like. In June and July, I learned real quick what dissociation, masking, and splitting was because that’s basically what I did those months. I also learned the term hypersexuality which I’ve addressed in some of my posts and poetry in this blog. Reflecting on everything that I’ve learned I can understand how my behavior can seem scary and unsafe to some people. I’ve finally had a deep understanding of how much of my erratic and impulsive behavior has greatly impacted my life.
did you drink your water today? did you remind yourself you’re worthy of love? did you understand you were always enough? will you repeat after me- I won’t run away from or suppress my feelings I need to face my emotions head on or else I’ll break down
you were my hope in love restored everything I had dreamed of everything I had wished for and it was nice for a while- getting lost in our love thinking it was safe, thinking it could be my permanent sanctuary until one day like clockwork you changed your mind and decided I wasn’t enough and I was left wondering “what the fuck is wrong with me?”
por ti abriré el cerco alrededor de mi corazón porque inspiras confianza y ternura porque siento que contigo puedo encontrar la esperanza de nuevo en entregar mi vulnerabilidad
Quisiera ser la pasion detras de tu inspiración que te hace escribir mil poemas de amor Quisiera ser tu amanecer que despierta lo mejor en ti Quisiera ser tu calma después de la tormenta de la tragedia Quisiera ser el gran amor de tu vida y una de tus razones de vivir
put me on a pedestal and watch how quickly I fall for saying no to you For standing up for myself for making myself heard You’ll cry foul and wonder, where did my dream girl go? but don’t you see- I wasn’t made for altars and pedestals I was made for thrones A throne where I know my worth A throne where I’m valued A throne where I’m appreciated as a whole person and not just seen as an object as affection and masturbation So quit seeing me as a saint or angel and understand I’m a chaotic queen
My therapist said my diagnosis makes it hard to sustain relationships and I believe it wholeheartedly because my love data shows me many times anything involving love and lust crashes and burns because my romantic history is full of unhealthy and toxic patterns so now I avoid anything resembling feelings of intimacy I value my emotional stability too much to once again lose my sanity to another love that’s temporary
Cover me with a blanket of lies and tell me you love me tell me I’m the only one for you and false promises about you’ll never leave and how you’re not like the other guys Love me at your convenience, love me when I’m easy I’ll believe the fantasy and play my role of the perfect and polite princess until one day, I grow out of my role and explode and I’ll discover once again you’re like everyone else who can only stand me for a short while and accuse me of being a crazy bitch and leave
Life on the BPD 