
Poem of the Day: BPD and PMDD


I wrote this in May of 2003 when I was going wrestling with a terrible bout of depression. I kept trying to find the light of the end of the tunnel but it was hard.

A sponge is what I am as I start
to absorb this mortifying
and painful experience
From a sponge I become
A meatloaf of frustration
From a meatloaf I become
A tall and full glass of self pity and regret
From the tall and full glass Iβm trying
Very hard to become a hard rock of acceptance

I wrote this in May of 2003 when one of my close friends had a miscarriage.

Itβs so funny and ironic
When something bad happens
most people says things
Like βitβs Godβs wayβ
or the famous
βWhatever doesnβt kill you
makes you strongerβ
It makes you wonder if there
are actual people out there
who would say,
βItβs okay to be mad at Godβs wayβ
or
βItβs alright to be weak instead of strongβ
or that itβs perfectly fine to scream out loud
βFUCK THE WORLDβ
If there is a least one person like this,
I want them to become my new βbest friendβ



I wrote this in March of 2003 when I went back to Hawaii. I had a lot of conflicting feelings about this trip.

Iβm back here
Where it all started
A place I once called home
But now Iβm not so sure
I always wonder if I shouldβve stayed
But now I see why I had to go away
It is filled with both
Beautiful memories
of the loved ones I left behind
And ugly memories
of the ones that left me behind
when I needed them the most
I donβt regret coming back
Because itβs what I needed
In order to heal and move on
from you my past, and let you go

So last month was poetry month and there is an event called NapoWrimo where poets challenge themselves to write one poem every day for the month of April. Here is a link to information about it:
I found out about the event last year but didn’t do it because I was in the middle of moving and way too busy at the time. This year, I decided to give it a try because I was in a better mindset and I had time. Also, since last year, Iβve been writing poetry on an almost daily basis so I didnβt think it would be too hard. I also wanted to post a poem a day on social media but that didnβt happen. Life got crazy with kids and my two jobs so I took a social media break in early April to focus on real life. However, I still updated my blog and still wrote poetry. During the month of April, Iβve averaged writing between 9 to 12 poems a day. Iβve used prompts from Instagram and my own prompts to write so much and hereβs a few examples of them:




One thing that really helped me with this challenge was to turn off my internal editor. What this means is anything goes when I write even if it sounds shitty or terrible at the time that I write it down. I tell myself, I can always go back and revise it later. I also gave myself permission to not judge anything I write down and to really have self compassion for myself no matter what comes out. This gave me absolute freedom to write. Iβve also been sharing on my blog a poem or two from this challenge on a daily basis. It was hard at first because I was sharing raw and unedited work that sometimes doesnβt make sense BUT I said fuck it. Iβm not claiming to be a good poet or a good writer. Iβm well aware of my flaws and limits when it comes to my writing and Iβll address them someday. With this challenge, I wanted to just focus on writing even if what came out was cringy or repetitive or super emotional. I also want to mention that while this writing exercise challenged my creativity; it also opened the door to process parts of unhealed trauma which led to more healing. I know what youβre all thinking, how much more healing does this bitch need to do? Trust me, Iβve asked myself the same thing every day. I could write a whole book on healing from past trauma but I wonβt. Iβll leave that to the experts. I guess my main takeaway from NapoWrimo was that for me to do it and be successful at it, it was important to turn off judgment and my internal editor. Something I didnβt expect from this exercise was how therapeutic it ended up being for me. I also didnβt expect for so much of the poetry I posted to be well received by my followers. Iβm honestly humbled and grateful every time I get a like or comment about anything I write because itβs hard to imagine sometimes that my brand of messy and crazy resonates with anyone. My advice when it comes to doing this kind of exercise is the obvious: shut down your internal editor and turn off judgment. Also, donβt be afraid to just write even if it doesn’t make sense why youβre writing it or how it comes out on paper. Thereβs a purpose and reason behind your words even if it doesnβt feel like it at the time. Most importantly, write from the heart with loads of self compassion. While I shared what I wrote and really liked that aspect; I wonβt tell you to do the same. Itβs up to you if you want to write just for yourself (which is okay) or to share with the world (thatβs okay too). Below are some of favorite poems from this writing challenge:





EscribΓ este poema en el 2003 acerca de Lucas. La nostalgia de el me visitaba frecuentemente y eso me inspiraba bastante.

Cuantos aΓ±os pasaran
Para pararte de amar
Cuantos labios besare
Para sacarte de mi mente
Cuantos pensamientos mΓ‘s tendrΓ© de ti
Hasta poder olvidarme de ti
Cuando se me quitara este deseo
De querer vivir contigo en un sueΓ±o
Cuando parare
De quererte ver


EscribΓ este poema en enero de 2003 acerca de un amor que deseaba. TodavΓa vivΓa con la illusion de encontrar un amor asΓ.

Me tienes llena de estos bellos sentimientos
con tus tiernas caricias y la maravilla que son tus besos
me devolviste la fe
Por ser aquel hombre
que sabe como tratar a una mujer
Contigo deseo amanecer
Me tienes siempre pensando en ti
Y la esperanza de tenerte junto a mi
Me haces volar
Y otra vez soΓ±ar
Me haces sentir
Y mi sangre hervir
Me vuelves loca
Con tu bella forma de amar
Y a ti siempre me quiero atar