my final step in returning to myself was returning to my homeland once I finally found my stable sense of identity I had desperately searched for since I could remember- I felt like Alice in Wonderland my eyes wide open, my mouth opened in awe- taking in the glorious sights and sounds of my birthplace the 32 years away from it didn’t matter the ocean, the mountains, the city welcomed me back Reminding me it had always been there for me to come back to and the powerful and profound emotions I felt in standing on the ground that saw my birth and early childhood made me understand there really is no place like home
I’d love to ride a motorcycle for the first time in Oxapampa, Peru. It’s something that used to seem so scary to me but when I saw whole families riding motorcycles in Oxapampa in April on this year, I thought I want to do that. I’m sure I can make this happen on my next trip there.
de nuevo estoy aquí en el mismo sitio De los días de mi rebeldía De los amores sin amor De las aventuras sin cobardía De los lazos que nunca existieron De la soledad que me brindó tristeza Y el amor Que fue una mentira
Maybe it’s lack of sex or lack of sleep but I must declare- Christopher Columbus is a piece of shit Maybe it’s my own insecurities or maybe it’s a projection but I must say you can get away with murder if you’re a white male Maybe it’s the BPD and the depression But I must scream FUCK WHITE SUPREMACY
cierro los ojos y un maremoto de nostalgia viene hacia mi y corro y corro y corro pero me alcanza que me ahogo y parte de mi quisiera regresar a mi pasado contigo cuando era feliz y casi, casi te mando un mensaje preguntándote Como estas? Si todavía sigues con ella? Si, por fin encontraste la felicidad que tanto anhelabas? pero, mi abuela interviene y me sacude, abro mis ojos y regreso a mi presente y encuentro mi razón y susurro al universo que te deseo lo mejor pero acepto que lo nuestro cuento de amor es algo definitivamente acabado como los cuentos de hadas que papi me contaba cuando era niña
running in the sun warms my body, warms my thoughts it invokes my need to worship it like my ancestors before the colonizers declared it wrong and pagan but they couldn’t erase my blood and my DNA and my deep connection to the Sun, my ancestral GOD Always bringing me to the surface of gratitude and love
me encierro en sueños y fantasías del pasado porque mi presente está lleno de amargura y odio sin saber cómo convertir la tragedia de mi vida en una historia de victoria por eso prefiero encerrarme en la nostalgia de mi pasado romántica cuando todavía tenía esperanza
Ahora veo que tu tenias razón en acabar nuestro cuento de amor Ahora veo que tu adiós fue una bendición y no es que porque te odio o porque te tengo rencor no, al contrario te deseo lo mejor te deseo que el universo te bendiga con felicidad y paz entiendo ahora que lo de nosotros no podía continuar por que tu nunca fuistes y nunca serías el hombre que me ayudaría evolucionar o que apreciara mi creatividad o que pudiera luchar a mi lado cuando la realidad de la vida se vuelve un huracán difícil de navegar me hiciste un favor al irte para espacio para alguien con la fortaleza y valor que tu nunca tuviste
Siempre soy una perdedora en el amor y esto me agobiaba, me hacía sentir menos pero después de investigar las razones de mis rupturas amorosas Descubrí que la culpa no era mía, ni de mis exes ni del destino- lo que pasa es una mujer poderosa y fuerte como yo se va a demorar y demorar para encontrar a alguien que me sepa apreciar y amar como la reina que soy
hay que tomarnos tiempo para conocernos antes de brincar en otra tragedia de amor hay que ver que encajamos de verdad antes de profesar “te amos” y “te quieros” y no apresurarnos en empezar algo que algún día nos destruirá
As far as what my future holds for me, I’ve been doing a lot of long term goal planning and manifestations the past few years and that’s been working for me. Here’s a recent blog post I wrote about it:
The past 2 years was me trying to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I had this very vague idea, almost like a sketch but now I have a clear picture of what that is exactly. Getting out of survival mode was crucial for this development and I’m excited about the future. One thing I can tell you is that there will definitely be more storytelling. In fact, for the month of September, I’m telling my story chronologically with some of the moments in my life that most impacted me. This came about organically as I was planning blog content for that month and I said, “fuck it, let’s do this” and “let’s see what happens”. I think that so much of my healing happened because of my storytelling. It was important for me to retell my story because that’s how I took ownership of it. It helped turn me from a victim to heroine in my story and this has been monumental to my healing process. Of course, sometimes that looks crazy and messy but it only proves what a resilient and powerful Queen I am to still be standing despite the chaos and trauma I’ve been through. Here’s a poem I wrote in April about it:
Sharing my story
I’ve taken off my mask and stop repressing my true self- And while it’s terrifying at time, I show the world my authenticity and vulnerability I share the parts of my story that are terrible, happy, sad, lovely, crazy, beautiful, and tragic so others don’t feel alone and find solidarity in my chaotic and bicultural story of love, rage, defeat, hate, and resilience And bring to light my rich and vivid experience of the duality of being a rooted and rootless, Peruvian and American, a hateful and kind woman living her life fearlessly and shamelessly
I restarted this blog a couple of summers ago as a way to cope with my mental breakdown and at the time I had only 17 followers and now I have more than 300 followers who have been incredibly supportive and encouraging throughout this self discovery journey. Thank you to all of you who have given me this safe space on the internet to share my story through blogging and poetry. This has been incredibly instrumental in helping me in my recovery from BPD . It’s given me a sense of love through community that I didn’t know could exist and I’m incredibly grateful and humbled by it. Anyways,if you’ve made it to the end of this blog post, you’re the best. I’m not sure what year 3 after my BPD diagnosis but I hope I continue to evolve and live a life with purpose for the betterment of myself and my kids.
It’s Bichota Season and like Karol G says, “La Vida es Mia”-it’s me and my meds against the world
It’s been 2 years since my BPD diagnosis and some things have changed, some things have remained the same. I still have the same two jobs and still adhere to my strict routine of consistency and routine with exercise, writing, and therapy. I’m still on the same meds for my anxiety and depression. All of that has helped with my continued progress and growth. And I still continue to suffer from major depressive episodes but it’s not as bad as it used to be and here’s a blog I wrote about it recently:
What has changed overall has been me. I remember last year writing about how I was living an authentic life and while that was mostly true, there was still something I had to take care of to make this true, my divorce and telling my youngest son about it. I went back to therapy to navigate these big feelings in actually starting the process and following through and telling my youngest son about it. I’m glad to report, I filed for divorce a couple of months ago and told my son who took it better than I expected. After this, I felt like this major burden of guilt and grief has been lifted off from me. It was hard, really hard to have lied about this part of my life for the past four years to my son and to other family members. Three of those years, I felt like I was leading a double life as I had to be careful not to let one part of my life bleed into the other. It was awful and reflecting back on this, I think this was a major trigger for my mental health breakdown in the summer of 2021. Feeling guilt and shame with the immensity of emotions that comes with BPD is horrible and something I would never wish on my worst enemy.
me and my youngest son on his birthday
Another major thing that happened in year 2 is that I took two trips to my homeland, Peru. The first one was in September of 2022 and the second one was in March of this year. Both times I went, it was amazing and the first trip helped me reconnect with my roots and find a sense of identity I had been searching for all of this time. I hadn’t been back since I was 9 so it had been 32 years since I had been home. It was strange, glorious, amazing and overwhelming at the same time. It felt like I finally found a piece within me that had been missing all of this time.
Finally home after 32 years -September of 2022
The second trip was even better because I took my oldest son who hadn’t been on a plane since he was an infant and we got to visit my dad’s hometown of Oxapampa. I think I’m still processing that trip because it was so special and meaningful to take my son to Peru and show him his and my roots. I’m honestly still processing both trips and I’ll write about both of them later. What I can say is that both trips helped in my healing and recovery process from my BPD symptoms. Before, I was still floundering when it came to trying to establish a stable identity. That changed radically after I came back from my first trip.
me and my oldest son in Oxapampa, Peru in April of this year-the beer in Oxapampa is the BEST EVER-anything else is MID
