Ahora veo que tu tenias razón en acabar nuestro cuento de amor Ahora veo que tu adiós fue una bendición y no es que porque te odio o porque te tengo rencor no, al contrario te deseo lo mejor te deseo que el universo te bendiga con felicidad y paz entiendo ahora que lo de nosotros no podía continuar por que tu nunca fuistes y nunca serías el hombre que me ayudaría evolucionar o que apreciara mi creatividad o que pudiera luchar a mi lado cuando la realidad de la vida se vuelve un huracán difícil de navegar me hiciste un favor al irte para espacio para alguien con la fortaleza y valor que tu nunca tuviste
I used to lie about my sins when I went to confession- to have something, anything to confess to arouse interest in the priest to not feel the burden of goodness on me- and the priest gave me prayers and rosaries to atone for my made up sins
basta de tanto esperar ha alguien que me sepa apreciar mami me dice que es porque no me dejo respetar porque me dejo llevar por la pasión del momento sin pensar y a lo mejor mami tiene la razón debería de dejar de escuchar a los deseos temporáneos de mi corazón y empezarme a valorar
bad bitches go to therapy-me about to go see my therapist in July of this year
The big question is “Do I still have BPD?” well I had another assessment done in late spring and I still wear the scarlet letters of mental illness, BPD. I was infuriated because I have worked my ass off in therapy, doing all of the healthy things, abstaining from sex and relationships, and reading everything I can to get better and I still have the diagnosis. My therapist did say my symptoms were a lot milder than when I first came in. She also said that it could take several years before I can say I’m “recovered”. She has also recently discharged me from therapy because I’m doing so well and at this point I might be using therapy as a crutch. Ouch. It sounds harsh but honestly, she’s right. Going back to therapy this time around, I went back to get better at regulating my emotions. It sounds strange because while I have done a lot of work and adhere to a strict routine, I still have trouble at times when life gets chaotic or there are big changes. I know too well the consequences of what happens if I don’t get help. So whether that’s medication changes, a refresher on DBT skills. reading books about mental health or even taking time off; I will do whatever it takes to get back to a normal baseline for me so I can continue to heal and thrive.
a few of the mental health book I’ve read to help me understand my diagnosis and trauma
Another big thing that happened in this second year was that I was able to identify my values and live in alignment with them. Honesty, integrity, community, family, compassion and grace are just a few I identify with this year. Before my diagnosis, I was trying to survive and find solace in these pockets of temporary adrenaline rushes and happiness. I not only caused chaos but also invited it into my life over and over again. It was a realization I had shortly after things ended with me and C last summer. I think that was when I decided I needed to understand what true solitude meant without the distraction of anything resembling lust or romance. It was one of the hardest challenges I had to face. And I won’t lie, the loneliness was crushing at times and it drove me insane on some nights but I relied on my writing and my friends to get me through the worst of it and somehow made it to the other side. And on the other side, was my empowered and higher self. Am I all the way healed? No freaking way. But like I was telling one of my new friends when I was explaining my BPD diagnosis, “I was like Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind but now I’m much better. I’m way healthier and much better at managing my emotions”.
my favorite self lives in alignment with her values
I’d rather be berated and hated than ignored and treated with indifference call me a lunatic, call me a bitch call me the worst mistake of your life JUST CALL ME ANYTHING! Then I’ll know I won because I’ve imprinted on your memory
El hogar que he construido me deja con felicidad en mi corazón porque he luchado mucho para llegar Aquí, a un sitio que me llena de orgullo, a un sitio que me llena de amor El hogar que tengo ahora es algo seguro que nunca se ira
nothing ever happens to my exes after they leave- they don’t blink, they don’t flinch, they don’t need therapy and I’m so incredibly jealous of that! They’re carefree and without any feelings- Absconding without blame or any responsibility While I’m left in a spiral of shame and regret and many times losing my sanity How many more mental breakdowns will I have before accepting= love is always a dangerous game for me- no matter how casual and detached I try to be my nature will always be to give, give, give Until I lose parts of my identity Maybe this is how I keep attracting narcissists?
Halfway through 41, I am truly alone no potential love candidates and sometimes the loneliness threatens to kill my soul- But I know better than to suffer through another deception so I process all of my feelings through poetry Hoping it’s enough to keep the romantic in me from making another mistake
Solita y borracha llorando de nuevo por un hombre que se burlo de mi dignidad Solita y borracha, te conoci y me deje llevar por la química y tu carisma solita y borracha contigo quería olvidarme al otra y por algunas horas pudo hacerlo Solita y borracha prometiste llamarme pero no más fue una promesa sin substancia solita y borracha de nuevo estoy pero esta vez con ira con mi misma por siempre repetir el mismo cuento por no saber valorarme
I love her and she will be mine- because i know what’s good for her because she needs me in her life as she’s a complete mess and I can save her I can fix her I can be her hero her confidant, her eternal lover
Insecurities and anxiety from my immigrant childhood Come out to play and my adult self wants to run away I thought I was healed from this I hate these triggers—but I still confront them even if I don’t want to I cry and write about them, reprocess something not quite healed Am I on the way to my recovery from BPD?
the facade of equality is cloaked in good intentions and lovely words- and while laws have been passed to prevent discrimination and to try to level the game of success, it’s all a sham, it’s all a con we still live in a world where the color of your skin and social status and gender determine your prosperity
did you drink your water today? did you remind yourself you’re worthy of love? did you understand you were always enough? will you repeat after me- I won’t run away from or suppress my feelings I need to face my emotions head on or else I’ll break down
Life on the BPD 