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Poetry: Why Did You?

Another poem I wrote about the great breakup of 2001. Who knew that more than 20 years later, it would just be great blog content. Lol.

Ugh..this is me

Why did you have to be
so painful for me?
Why did it take me so long
To find out you were doing me so wrong
Why did you have to such a waste
And leave my mouth with such a bitter taste
Why did you have to put on such a good show
I still can’t believe somebody could stoop so low
Why did you have to make my heart so sore
I don’t think i can stand the pain anymore
Why did you have to show up
And be such a damn fuck up

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Poetry: Pathetic Asshole

I wrote this about my friend Sam after I found out that he tried to sleep with my sister. I was furious after this happened but it was also kind of funny. So Sam put the moves on my poor recently separated and vulnerable sister. Well–according to my sister, when they were getting to the good part, his equipment wouldn’t work. At all. Haha. This is the last of the poems about Sam. He does make an appearance in my life in either 2018 or 2019 when I looked him up on Facebook and impulsively messaged him. Surprisingly, he responded but nothing came of it. I think that while the idea of him seemed nice, putting that much effort again into a former fuckboy didn’t feel worth it all.

I thought you should be told
that you are a pathetic asshole
You will never go anywhere
By not playing fair
You have no fucking respect
I wish we had never met
How could you lie to me?
Can’t you see
I thought we were friends
But now you’ve become my fiend
I hope I never hear your fucking voice
Or see your fucking face
I wish you unhappiness
and many years of misery

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Poetry: The Fool

I wrote this in 1997 after a really strange situation after a hookup. So I hooked up with this guy I met off the internet and he was 19 and in the Air Force. Well it turned out that his girlfriend (a freshman) went to the high school I went to and she found out and confronted me about it. I had so many feelings of shame and guilt. Looking back on it, this dude was a predator dating/hooking up high school girls. Ick!

me in 1997 when this poem was writter

You thought it would be fun
To use me as a hit and run
Thought you would never see me again
You thought it was great
Just to use me to mate
Thought you wouldn’t hurt anyone
You thought no one would find out
about our little love bout
Thought it would be fine
After you crossed that thin line
Between friendship and something more
Little would I know
How much it would hurt me so
To let you take me away
In your warm embrace
Little would I see
How bad you would be for me
to be led by your persuasion
into your lust filled creation

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Poetry: Hell Sent

I wrote this in November of 2001 about the great breakup of that year. I was quite salty. Hey, at least I didn’t go Joe Goldberg on his ass. Lmao. Sometimes as a way to process trauma, I will write letters to the people that have hurt me. This is an example of one of them.

I feel like this same story has repeated in my life over and over again

My heart knew you were no good
Something told it you were not being true
All those days you were out there “working”
You had been out there fucking
I should’ve known to walk away
The first time your lying ways gave you away
But I wanted so badly to believe
That you were truly in love with me
Now I’m a big mess
But I deserve this I guess
For not listening to myself
And falling in love with your sorry self
I’m glad we’ve reached the end
Cause baby you were hell sent

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Poetry: Miserable Memories

I wrote this in 2002 after a trip to California. That trip was strange for me. I was filled with nostalgia but also felt triggered by revisiting traumatic parts of my childhood during that trip. I did make peace with my past during that trip. I don’t talk much about my childhood because of the trauma attached to it but I think I need to. We should talk about the things that are hard to talk about. I believe that my childhood trauma played a big part in me having BPD.

The 2 bedroom apt I grew up in from ages 5 to 11
My aunt, me and my grandmother during that trip. My aunt was not a nice lady BUT thats another blog post .

Gone back to my old miserable childhood world
Everything has changed and yet remains the same
Old memories I had buried in the back of my mind
Come crawling back to the surface
Of the pain, poverty, and misery
That scared little girl emerges once again
But this time as a brave woman
To proclaim that she is no longer
Frightened by the people who caused her so much hurt

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Poetry: The Cad

I wrote this in 1997 about my ex James. I was pissed and super salty as you can tell. This poem is me fantasizing Karma got back to him one day. This poem is full of that great anger I feel when men are jerks to me.

me in 1997 when this poem was written- laughing about my ex …lmao

You were such a cad
and that makes me so sad
You give women so much crap
Just to get them in the sack
You give them so much pressure
Just so they can give you pleasure
You never know how they feel
After you made your kill
You didn’t care
And thought it was fair
To use them to satisfy your primal thirst
Never thinking one of them would make a big fuss
Now you spend your life in bed
Having to be fed
How ironic it is
Just cause you had to add one more to your list

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Poetry: Passing Fad

This poem was about “M” and I wrote it in 2000. I had convinced my parents to take me to see him at his University which was about an hour and 15 minutes away and I went to his dorm room and we had sex and then he tells me, “I’m not serious about you, I just want to be your friend” I was pissed and upset. I don’t know how but I guess I kept in contact with him and it I remember how awful it was. Ugh. And this is why I can’t be friends with exes.

ugh…I’m always an “amazing person” and they “always want to be friends”-yeah no thanks

I still remember the hurtful words
You said to me
After making love
“I’m not serious about you.
I just want to be your friend”
That’s when my whole world came to an end
I drowned in an ocean of my own tears
you had awaken my biggest fear
That you wanted my body
And not all of me
It’s too bad
That to you
I was just a passing fad

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Poetry: Lies

I wrote this in November of 2001. This poem was another product of the “Great Breakup of 2001” . Of course, I’m glad that I took out all of my anger on paper and not him.

Salty as fuck

Lies was what you were about

How dare you

pretend to care about me?

Don’t you understand?

I was falling in love with you

Don’t you know?

I’ve become addicted to you.

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Poetry: Dead End

I wrote this in December of 2002. With the changing of the seasons Fall and Winter, my seasonal depression shows up and this is a example of it.

Encouraging quote to counter the “emo” in this poem…lol

I want to run away
from this cruel hand of cards
of life I’ve been handed

I want to run away
from the deceptions, disillusionment
and lies
that I’ve dealing with since I was a teen

I want to run away
from the sudden responsibilities I found myself with

I want to run away from
from this miserable life
that seems to be a dead end

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Poetry: I’m Sorry

I wrote this in November of 2001 after the “great Breakup” of that year. I lost count of how many poems I wrote about the breakup but it’s crazy to me since that relationship only lasted a month. Lol. I am however grateful for a creative spell I had afterwards.

My mood when I wrote this poem

I’m sorry for the boy that you are
And the man that you’ll never be

I’m sorry for falling in love with you
And learning that your “I love you’s” were not true

I’m sorry for every girl that ever fell under your trap
and not seeing past your Mr.Nice Guy act

I’m sorry for making love to an illusion
And not seeing past the delusion

I’m sorry you’ll never be able to feel my despair
And that you’ll never care

I’m sorry for all of the tears I had to cry
After learning you were nothing more than a lie

But most of all I’m sorry for the day you walked into my life
And for being nothing more than a waste of time

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Poetry: The Liar

I wrote this in 1997 about my oldest son’s bio dad after he ghosted me. I was quite salty about it. Lol. You can tell that I had that black and white thinking down pat at this point.

me in 1998 when I wrote this poem

I believed you when you told me
you love me
How wrong could I have been?
What a fool I have been?
To believe on all of the promises
and all of those wonderful words you told me
How could you have so cruel as to use our lovemaking
to use me for other interests
But most of all, how could you make me fall in love with you?
And now it hurts to know you never really loved me
You were just playing with my heart and mind
the whole time
I guess your heart must be made of ice and you must be numb
You were never that good in bed anyways

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Poem: Racist Jerk

So I wrote this poem in 2000 when ex my boyfriend Mike said something super racist about immigrants knowing I was an immigrant myself. Talk about cognitive dissonance. Lol. He also had a super nice red sports car….and yes he was making up for something. Haha. Looking back, the dating pool in the hick town I was living in was super limited. I honestly can’t say that this had to anything to do with me over reacting because of BPD…this dude was just an ignorant asshole.

My new boyfriend
What you said really hurt
I never thought you were a racist jerk
I don’t know if I can get past your words
Staying with you would only make it worst
With time I could become like you
And to tell you the truth
That scares me to death
So now I wish we never met
And that I didn’t have to tell you this
I hope I won’t be missed
I wish you a good life
I hope one day you become wise

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Poem: That Special Key

Para la version en Espanol:

https://lifeonthebpd.com/2022/07/06/poesia-la-llave-especial/

This was one of the first poems I wrote in 1996 so I was 15. I didn’t realize then that I would always use writing as a way to process my many, many feelings after breakups. I also want to mention that this breakup of 1996 is the one that I mention in my other blog post :

A New Diagnosis: BPD

another related poem is this one:

Poetry: Another Mate

I sometimes wonder what went wrong
Was it you not telling me “I love you” just that one time
Or was it me and my wanting to have you all the time
Sometimes I get pissed
Wondering why I did that or this
Or maybe I couldn’t understand
If only you gave a damn
And even though it’s been a long time
And even though we’ve gone our separate ways
My love for you still hasn’t fade away
It still grows with each passing day
And even though it can never go back to how it use to be
You’ll always hold that special key

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Poetry: I Still Love You

I wrote this in 1999 about ex. I’m not sure which ex this was about to be honest. Lol. I guess I was just feeling both nostalgic and super salty at the time.

me in 1999 around the time I wrote this poem…lol

I still love you
I don’t know why
I guess you were one of the few
I was proud to call my special guy
Or maybe you were the first one I was with
To give me that special gift
By loving me the way you did
You never made me feel like a little kid
But then she came
And to you I became
A thing of the past
That came and went by fast
But still I wish
You wouldn’t have met that bitch
Because I know
You wouldn’t have let me go