and if they don’t heed my warning, I’ll be here for them and get revenge for them
I warn my sons about falling in love with poets and writers I try to dissuade them from it They’ll use any insensitive comment you ever made into a salty verse dripped with not so subtle insults They’ll use your most intimate moments as metaphors for heaven or earthquakes They’ll describe you as God or the Devil depending on how you left them They’ll make you a villain in their stories or worst, the hero in them And the worst part- They’ll make you way bigger in their mind than you ever wanted to be so , I plead with you, fall in love with a boring accountant or a teacher or even a lawyer You’ll avoid the stress of being someone’s inspiration, someone’s muse and the chaos and drama that comes along with it
valentine’s day is around the corner so we’re bombarded by teddy bears,balloons, greetings with corny shit like “for my wife, the love of my life” and flowers, the fucking flowers there are even journals for couples to fill out in hope of getting closer- I still can’t figure that one out and stupid heart shaped everything, from cookie cutters to pillows and flowers, the fucking flowers and most of us eat it all up thinking if our partner doesn’t buy us anything or doesn’t meet our romantic expectations on the most materialistic of holidays, then they must not really love us- never occurring to us how this business of love preys on us and our fear of being lonely it capitalizes and profits from it sending us messages that we need to buy this or that (get the flowers, the fucking flowers) to show our love it’s a trap that followed us since our school days maybe it’s time to riot and burn down anything related to this dreadful holiday especially the fucking flowers or maybe I’m just a crazy and jaded bitch alone on valentine’s day
One day you’ll be a bad dream I’ll wake up from One day someone will come along and you’ll be a distant memory of an intense and toxic past who took over my life for a while One day I’ll be loved by someone the way you could never love me One day I’ll look back on our time together and regret every moment wasted on you One day you won’t haunt my soul and mind One day you will no longer be my muse One day is here, now and forever
If only I could bypass the trauma lived and experienced my life would be a lot easier Perhaps I’d be fulfilled and not on this neverending heroine journey to acknowledge how trauma happened to me to understand how it changed me to tells the stories from it so I can begin to heal from it to do all of the work so I don’t pass it on to my sons and their children because this legacy of intergenerational silence with violence needs to stop with me even if it’s sometimes a painful nightmare to deal with
I look to the cards for reassurance things will turn out alright that I am doing all of the important things to light the flame to a bright future that my past is now behind me and I will no longer be chained to it that I’ll fully live in my present
I’m healing and unraveling at the same time I’m unraveling the parts of me that no longer fit in my new narrative I’m unraveling the ugliness, my vengeful spirit full of spite and jealousy talking to it, deconstructing it cause to live with so much anger and resentment in my heart is draining and leaves no room for lovely and hopeful beginnings
I’m so fucking triggered-I can’t see past my tears when the fuck does this healing journey end Because this constant confrontation with trauma leaves me drained and constantly causes chaos and devastation within me
Something on your “to-do list” that never gets done.
My goals for 2024
So my time is limited because of my crazy working hours, but something that keeps getting pushed to the back burner are my taxes from last year. I freaked out last year because haha I have to pay back an obscene amount ( welcome to middle class status in America), so I basically ignored them, and now here I am in a new tax year but now filing in a different status cause of my divorce. The good thing is that my oldest just got his A.A in accounting so he’ll do them for me this month or next. I’m good with the turbo tax software, but my situation feels like beyond my comprehension, so I’ll let an expert do it. Something I also need to do is spend more time with my 2 youngest sons. It is hard because my youngest likes to spend more time with his friends, and my other son has particular interests, which include discussing the state of world affairs and watching depressing foreign films. But yeah, I need to work on my relationship with both of them. I even suggested playing fortnight with my youngest, but he told me it was cringe and I’m too old. Lol. I hope this time next month, I’m done with my taxes and find ways to bond my sons.
no saber mi valor me costo- mi inocencia, mis valores, mi cuerpo pense que era un precio mínimo para sentirme amada y bella fue un cuento falso que yo creí Por falta de autoestima, por no amarme lo suficiente y aunque perdonó esa version de mi que era impulsiva y vivió un vida lleno de peligro a veces me pregunto como seria mi vida si hubiese sido diferente
calling it a phobia of dating/relationships could be over dramatic but idk…it feels like that sometimes. It used to be so easy for me to just go from relationship to the next (sometimes without even ending the next relationship) until one day there was this final straw and I found myself with a shit ton of mental health issues and trauma I needed to address and heal from. If I had to be honest with myself at this point in my life, I don’t blame my past partners for this. I think that from my teenage years on, I’ve been following this pattern of falling into these unhealthy relationships and patterns. I realized this a few years ago after my diagnosis of BPD. I know I needed to do something so I just stopped dating or making myself available to anyone for romantic/sexual interest. It was hard and I always put these arbitrary deadlines on myself of when I would start again like, “oh after I beat my driving phobia” or “oh after I finish this round of therapy “or “oh, after I’m divorced” and those deadlines came and went and it just never happened. Every time I think about going on a first date with someone and that person would ask me something inconsequential like “what’s your favorite color?” I see myself going to the bathroom and throwing up and coming back with an excuse of how something came up with my kids (it”s great to have kids in this instance-they make very good excuses) and leaving the date. Until a few months ago, this used to make me sad and made me feel like a freak. But, lately, I’ve accepted that this is who I am now. With the level of awareness I have about myself now, I know what I need to be in control of my life, my autonomy, and my mental health and my Aquarius in Venus mind tells me that relationships seem to be make me lose control of all of those aspects.
How it feels like to lose control
Also, for the past few years, I’ve made sure to make my life full of everything I need to not feel like I need someone to fill some kind of void or space in my life. There’s basically no space or void like that now. My boys, my friends, my art, work, and my hobbies fill that space.
what would it take me to get me to date? Yung Gravy, Joji, or Jack Harlow sliding into my DMs. Lol. In all seriousness, I don’t know. I think I want to just enjoy my life as it is now . I will say that if somehow the stars do align and someone appears in my universe that strikes my fancy, then I wouldn’t be completely closed off to it.
Let’s goooo universe!!!
Too wild
On days like today, I feel too wild, too untamed to be loved, to be handled by anyone I feel like too much and I won’t find anyone who’s enough and I wonder if I’ll really be alone forever because right now that’s what my future looks like and it’s not me trying to diss any potential love candidates it’s me acknowledging how much of an earthquake, a hurricane, a tsunami I can be and even though I’ve done the work to tame my inner demons It still feels like there is still so much work left to do before I feel confident enough to invite anyone else into my chaos
3/9/23
Copy and paste
Copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste Partners, unhealthy love patterns, delusions of love it happens over and over again And I try my best to change this narrative and sometimes it seems to work but most of the time it was me denying what’s in front of me A man who treats me like his inferior Allowing him to step on my boundaries trying to keep myself small enough so he doesn’t leave and I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened to me And I’m fucking tired of it So I put a pause on love for a while Until I can figure out how to produce healthy love energy And ensure I don’t settle again for anyone who treats me less than the majestic and magical queen that I am
se que en las mejores relaciones hay monotonía pero lo que estamos viviendo me llena de ira me esta volviendo loca, esto se siento como el fin de nuestro cuento de amor y los dos somos demasiados cobardes para aceptar que la vida que hemos construida se está volviendo una montaña de resentimiento y desilusión donde estamos atrapados por conveniencia
I wrote a version of this poem in 2005. It was about my frustration with the relationship I was in at the time.
Drown in passion
I’m hanging on to my last thread of sanity trying to accommodate to our new reality I know monotony happens even in the best relationships but this feels like the death of our love Where did your yearning for me go? You used to worship me and call me Godly now I can barely get you to look at me and when I say anything, you call me crazy so I’m going to swallow my words and pretend I’m okay with this charade of love
no fuck you and your pedantic machismo- oh and PWM =privileged white male
I light a candle, put on music, and pay tribute to all that I will never be- it’s not like I’m denying myself possibilities or opportunities I’m just acknowledging certain realities I’ll never have the proper words, the necessary pretentious words of the upper class pedigree to be published in one of those prestigious journals or win a pulitzer prize I’ll never be seen as an equal in American because I’ll always be a foreigner and while this brings me a certain kind of grief I also celebrate how different I am I’ll never filter my words or fake eloquence or elegance to make myself digestible to those with multiple degrees Nah, I’m a mosaic masterpiece, with my bad grammar, my simple vocabulary and my powerful and emotionally charged phrases I’m not and never will be for those with sensitive ears or palettes and I’ll always take pride in that
so I actually wrote this poem in December of 2022 after I got sick with COVID. This poem was actually inspired by the 2005 poem, “Here we again”- I was editing it to post it on instagram and something about it screamed turn into a poem about your ailment and this is what I ended with. God, my mind was extra crazy with COVID brain. lol.
Another unexpected surprise confirmed with the second pink line Is this Karma coming for me? for wishing this on my enemies this puts a pause on my life for a few days and I lay in bed in a fever haze soon I lose my sense of smell and taste I’m humbled and make a promise to the universe I’ll be more careful with my words and stop giving into my rancor
we were another lesson in love lost and mourned I tried everything to make it work even where it was past our expiration date I never wanted our children to be products of a broken home but even my best efforts could not fight how different we were or our long term story of incompatibility it wasn’t your fault or mine we were just both too stubborn to see what was in front of us a friendship that should’ve stayed platonic but you fell in deep for me and I was tired wanted to settle and we made it work until one day I realized it wasn’t enough
Life on the BPD 