Playlist: I wish I were HEATHER

this day inspired a poem titled, “My Last Heather Moment”

It’s the 3rd of December and that means it’s Heather Day! What exactly is β€œHeather Day”? It’s a lyrical reference to the Conan Gray song β€œHeather” which talks about unrequited love and his crush choosing some girl named Heather over him which is terrible because I still can’t imagine anyone choosing someone else over Conan Fucking Gray, the most beautiful man ALIVE!
So the first time I heard Heather was around November of 2022 and in a few short weeks, I became obsessed with this song. I think my kids unintentionally know the lyrics because of how many times they’ve heard it. I’ve written poetry inspired by this song and read that poetry at open mic. I’ve posed in pictures inspired by the video of the song. I’ve blasted that song from my car at various times and have always sung it out loud when it would play over the loudspeakers at my second job.

Needless to say, I have a deep relationship with that song. I know that it’s because at various stages in my life, I’ve been dumped by my exes for someone else, my crush has chosen someone else over me, or in one instance, the guy I was kind of seeing brought the other girl to an event we were both at and he thought it was fine while I was having full blown panic attacks in the bathroom (that’s another blog post). Before I listened to Heather , I didn’t know what to call these gut wrenching moments but after β€œHeather” I call these moments β€œHeather Moments”. And I’m sure there are other people, who’ve had similar experiences and their own β€œHeather Moments” and so I made a playlist inspired by β€œHeather” with songs with a similar feel. I actually have a deep connection to every single one of these songs and have even seen a few of them performed live. Yes, I saw Heather performed live and it was the happiest 4 minutes of my life! Anyways, here’s my playlist along with a few of the poems inspired by the song Heather. Fun Fact about some of these songs: 1) I was obsessed with β€œCan’t Let Go” when I was 10 and my crush wouldn’t notice me. 2) Look Away was on repeat in my CD Player when I broke up with my ex at 15 and it wasn’t a week before he went out with that girl he told me β€œI shouldn’t worry about” 3) One of the first songs I learned to play on the keyboard when I was 13 was β€œWords Get in the Way” 4) This is probably the most embarrassing fact but I crashed into the pole at work while I was blasting β€œTraitor” from my car. And 5) I was obsessed with the song β€œSilver Springs” this year and had it on repeat and even translated it into Spanish to see how it sounded.
Also, I’ve included link via spotify and youtube for your listening pleasure.

I WISH I WERE HEATHER playlist:

  • Back to Black-Amy Winehouse
  • Better than Revenge- Taylor Swift
  • Can’t Let Go-Mariah Carey
  • Checkmate- Conan Gray
  • Coincidence-Sabrina Carpenter
    Dancing on my Own-Tove Lo
    Deja Vu- Olivia Rodrigo
  • Driver’s License- Olivia Rodrigo
  • Glimpse of Us- Joji
  • Good Enough-Maisie Peters
  • Heather- Conan Gray
  • John Hughes Movie- Maisie Peters
    Lacy- Olivia Rodrigo
  • Lookalike- Conan Gray
  • Look Away- Chicago
  • Lost the Breakup- Maisie Peters
  • Lucid Dreams- Juice WRLD
  • Movies- Conan Gray
  • Objection-Shakira
  • Opposite- Sabrina Carpenter
  • She’s All I Wanna Be- Tate McRae
  • Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
  • Slow Dancing in the Dark- Joji
    24.Taste- Sabrina Carpenter
  • That’s the Kind of Woman- Julia Michaels
  • The Exit-Conan Gray
  • Traitor- Olivia Rodrigo
  • Villiian- Maisie Peters
  • Words Get In the Way- Gloria Estefan

poetry: island

I wrote this poem in December of 2023.

fr fr-it be like that

in my island of solitude, I drift further
and further away from romantic love
when I’ve tried to invite others to my island
they always left, and it drove me into hysterics
making a catastrophic emotional mess of me
so now I float alone on my island of solitude
and have erected walls of strength and confidence around it
I will not allow another soul to break them down
only to later leave on a whim, leaving me in pieces once again

poetry: doing the best I can

I wrote this poem in December of 2023.

honestly tho, they’re not wrong

I never asked to be born, much less to be a mosaic of trauma, insanity, and creativity
I prayed many times to be normal-to be someone else
but the day came when I had to embrace the masterpiece of duality and insanity that I am
to understand not everyone will understand me
to do the best I am with the deck of cards I’ve been handed

Poetry: No Longer a Victim

I wrote this poem in November of 2022.

no longer a victim

my craving for love has brought me to celestial heights of heaven
and the rock bottom of hell
at 40,I finally learned I suffered from the worst affliction
–a love addiction–
and time after time it tore me down
something had to change, something had to give
or else I’d end up jumping off a cliff
so I gave up love for a while
Until I could understand why it made me crazy
Until I knew how to not make myself a victim
in every single one of my love stories

poetry: children’s bible

I wrote this poem in November of 2022.

no hard feelings though

In my children’s bible I was introduced to Jesus
and his love for everyone
I wanted to be like Jesus-
and love and accept everyone as they are
but I’m human and I can’t
especially as the years pass by
and I’m harmed by those who claim to love me
it’s when all of my dreams quickly dissipate
and slowly I grow bitter and full of mental illness
maybe this is my tragic destiny
from wannabe saint to a scorned woman
who only dreams of revenge

poetry: the costs of integration

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

the costs were worth it for the peace I have now

I had to give up a lot of fun things in my life
to get to integration
an alcohol dependency, a shopping addiction,
Relationships and sex-
and the last thing was energy drinks
This was all for me to become the mom my kids
always deserved
it was needed for me to meet my higher self
who makes decisions with compassion and love
Instead of out of ego
It was needed for me to start living
in the most authentic way possible
and while I could dwell on all
of the fun things I lost
I now look at it as a blessing needed for clarity
and to make space for this new version of me
who no longer hides her jagged edges
for the comfort of others
Who loves who she is and no longer
Wants to be anyone else
Who finds peace in solitude
and is no longer scared of it
my integration of self costs me many things
I was addicted to
but it was worth it for the woman I am today
for the beautiful life I’m currently living

poetry: compartmentalization

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

the compartmentalization of life added a lot to the lore

google makes collages of how I’ve compartmentalize my life
throughout the years-
next to a pic of me and my ex is a pic of me and my son
then a pic of me and my friend
for a long time these realities
couldn’t exist in one frame-
it was blasphemous in my mind
for one reality to bleed into another
I never understood how this was killing my sense of identity
and inner emotional stability
That old version of me wanted everything
kids, love, sex, fun, drugs, and alcohol
to be many different people at the same time
mother, vixen, friend, basket case
and everything in between
to be accepted, to loved
and all of this compartmentalization
lead to the worst inner chaos and turmoil
It was emotional torture
I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge
until one day I had a mental breakdown
because of it

poetry: better

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

hi its me, I’m the love of my life

breathing without a hint of romance is lonely but freeing
it’s a lesson of dialectics I never wanted to learn
it’s a lesson necessary for my recovery from BPD
it’s not good or bad, it’s what I must do to get better

poetry: outgrowing the story

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

real sound advice

the repetitive compliments, the gross flattery about your looks
no longer works on you-
You’re one β€œhey beautiful” from vomiting the contents of your lunch
all of these men state the obvious-you’re pretty
And they think it’s a way to get to closer to you
but you scream, β€œew” and block them
it’s nothing against them, you just no longer have the luxury
of time to waste it on this type of nonsense to even think
about entertaining them
you’re outgrown that story

poetry: tightrope of vulnerability

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

this is me for real

I close and open my heart at my moods and hormones’ convenience
on a tightrope of vulnerability where I tend to fall off from
and I have a tendency to blame 80s and 90s music and movies
that taught me that if you’re good enough, if you’re pretty enough
the right guy will fall for you and you’ll get your happy ending

Poetry: Bruh, I did warn you

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

fr fr

my exes are scared of me for good reason
too many times I’ve used their words,
even their emails as ammunition
in expressing myself in poetry
sometimes, it was for revenge
Many times, it was me just trying to heal
but I did warn most of them
–I’m a writer–and I’m crazy
they probably thought
β€œOh how cute, a girl who writes a few verses”
they never understood how my wrath
showed up in my writing
until they leave and finally understand
they should have heeded my warning

poetry: nothing taste as good as skinny feels-Kate Moss

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

at least I can now wear corsets and look good in them

I’ve starved myself to make my mom, lovers, and even myself
so they’ll love and accept me
I’d go on extreme diets, skip meals,
over exercise until throwing up
and getting excited when the number on the scale
went down
and hating myself when it went up
never quite understanding there’s much more to me
than some arbitrary and unrealistic standard of beauty
I’ll never be able to attain
there’s much more to me than how I fill out a tight dress
and yet, I still check the scale every once in a while
to measure my worth

poetry: shame

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

this little girl deserved better

my past is clouded in shame over secrets
that were never my responsibilities
or a burden to bear
and all to keep up appearances
that we were a normal and happy family
and normal and happy families
don’t talk about addiction or mental illness

poetry: chains

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

I always manage to find a way to survive

The invisible chains of my mental illness try to take away my joy
and enthusiasm but I shake off my chains
and live as fully as I can
Despite my anxiety,
Despite my depression,
Despite my BPD trying to grab hold of me
I no longer allow my inner demons rob me
of the goodness that universe has to offer me

poetry: one way street

I wrote this poem in November of 2023.

me on the day I drove on a one way street

I drove on a one way street and didn’t even realize I was doing it
until a kind pedestrian pointed it out
and I was like β€œoh shit” and cringed at myself as I kept on driving
and my brain invoked the voice of my papi
β€œIdiota, estupida” and my blood pressure spiked
and I’m light headed from the embarrassment
Middle age and present me steps in quickly to fix this
I keep going and find a parking spot
and step out still flushed from the verbal beating
my inner child just took
even after I fixed my mistake
the repercussions from the shame
are still felt in my body