radical self compassion and grace falls from my life as thoughts of crashing my car unintentionally come to the surface of my mind but this happens every year in early december the old me from 2016 still wants to be heard and seen the trauma from her is visiting me mixed with winter and PMDD and lack of sleep makes me feel incompetent and unworthy of existing but I resist and resist thoughts of self harm and despair there is still too much life left in me and besides it’s one bad day out of many Tomorrow, tomorrow, is another day, another sunrise, another sunset another brand new beginning
desperation and despair sounds like a former friend calling me out of the blue, asking me for numbers of drug dealers I used to know saying it’s a matter of life and death in shock, I tell him I’m a different person from who he used to know I couldn’t help him-the call ends- I’m no longer the person he used to know I finally understand my value and worth
there will be no more lamentations for what was once scattered across my journals and notebooks from now on, I hold my head up high and look towards the sky
I wouldn’t visit your grave a second time once you died you’re not worth my time, you’re not worth my energy I’d already would be forced to say my goodbyes at your passing due to our familial connections and I want to be respectful to my sister and nephews but after that I never want to think about you again with your death I want to bury the harm done-the trauma you caused and move on
are we going in time with our lack of rights with prejudices more overt- this is suppose to be a first world country and yet no one is safe sending my child to school i pray he’ll come back in one piece going to work I hope a mentally ill or disgruntled employee doesn’t walk in with revenge in his mind and a gun in his hand and i’m even afraid of sex birth control isn’t fool proof and I’d be forced to carry an oops are we going to back in time or is this the new America?
apathetic voter
full of apathy-i no longer have the faith and hope in government I once had i’m starting to think that renouncing my homeland was a waste to become an American thinking my vote counted for something, that it meant something aside from the ease of traveling my situation is still the same a working class reality where I’m still struggling a high functioning mental case doing her best to survive in a country that thrives on capitalism
polls
must I go to the polls and vote? everyone tells me I must to maintain my rights and for my future but lately I feel apathetic about it all- feeling I’ve never made a difference feeling like it’s so much bullshit but since I’ve heard Nazi sympathizers are in this race and I’m an other I”m forced to go to the stupid polls for mine and my loved ones survival
these poems are from 2022 and I’m more disillusioned than ever with the government. I’ve always leaned towards being a liberal/democrat and while I’ll still go out there and vote for whatever is deemed the “lesser evil”, I absolutely hate that we don’t have a third option that’s way more humane. And for anyone who thinks, “well, you should go back to your country”, at this point, I am working on having that as an option in the near future. Going back to Peru last year and this year has given me a new perspective about everything my parents gave up to immigrate to this country and it’s overwhelming because it was a lot. While I understand their reasons and while Peru does not have the most stable government either, the quality of life there seems better in a lot of ways. Who knows what will happen next year with the elections but I’m making sure my kids have their passports and I keep my connections with family and friends in Peru.
I had fallen in love with brown and hazel eyes Before the disaster with blue eyes walked into my life Those blue eyes would make me believe in love again Those blue eyes would be the first to make me want to die of shame and guilt and cause more trauma than he ever intended Then again, I was only twenty and there were a dozen years between us he should have known better than to fuck with a girl who was barely a woman but carnal desire ruled both him and I And we were tricked thinking it was love but we were completely wrong and he got to walk away without any consequences While I was slut shamed and had to endure the trauma
at least the last time I got a bottle of free wine
I drank the last drop of the wine you gave me as I sing out my guts to lyrics that reminds me of you the worst of my ideas, the worst of my crimes I drank the last drop of the wine you gave me hoping that this is the last bit of closure I need from you and that from now on we’ll both live our lives free and clear of each other and soon our toxic love affair fades into the background of my memory and soon you stop showing up in my dreams
I wrote this poem about you, someone I wish I never knew
Implied I was a heretic because of my tarot cards told me I should look up some verse in the bible that validates your suspicion that I’m breaking bread with the devil because of esoteric tendencies the funny and ironic thing in your lecture is my tarot cards never harmed me or made me feel Worthless and the nearest I came to living with devil energy is the man you look at when you look in the mirror
while our friendship has been various shades of gray I’d never imagined that one day it’d turn black without an explanation leaving me alone to find closure leaving me in tears to find acceptance and understanding that somehow our friendship wasn’t meant to be
a beauty so timeless men still flock to her in her middle age despite society’s conditioning that women past 40 are past the expiration date for sexual appeal what was it about her that she was catnip to men? Well, she was honest upfront about the thing people don’t like to talk about
when someone blocks me, I wonder what was the last straw was is some irreverent post I posted some salty poem on my blog that offended them something stupid I said most of the time I simply let it go and understand I’m not for everyone but when it’s someone I considered a friend, I’m stumped because I thought friends were supposed to talk things out when conflict occurs I thought friends were supposed to give each other Space when they screw up But I guess in this instance, I must have done something so unforgivable, so horrible, I didn’t deserve a warning Before being blocked And now there’s nothing I can do I have to accept this was just a season of friendship and move on I’ll never know what I did wrong and he’ll never know how he wrecked me
you look lost in your thoughts is there something wrong, something I did- what’s on your mind that makes you silent and sad tell me what’s going on- so I can help lessen your burden
A giant pink bow comes apart and disintegrates and my female ancestors and all of the women on my timeline cry tears of rage, tears of grief we know it’s the beginning of the end on this gloomy november day Soon we’ll be relegated to second class citizens soon some of us will immigrate to other countries so we don’t end up like handmaidens
