I sought solace in friends last night and everyone was busy or asleep so I cried hysterically in the middle of the street, and then in the diner over my fries, and finally in my uber ride Strangers kept asking me if I was okay one even offered me a ride even in my worst moments of crises, I always find a way to survive even when I’m in the thick fog of a mental breakdown I know now how to take care of myself and keep myself safe maybe that was the lesson the universe sent last night even in my most hopeless of times I will always find a way to survive and eventually be okay
we’re not promised tomorrow, so we must make the best of our todays- making community with our friends, reconnecting with our roots loving our children with a loud fervor we’re not promised tomorrow, so we must appreciate everything we have the legs that take us on walks and runs the creativity that flows from our minds the laughter shared with loved ones
my heart is full of what ifs? What if it works out? What if I’m not as dumb as I think I am? What If I stop listening to the voices in my head that taunt me-telling me I’m not good enough? What if I’m brave enough today and chase my dreams despite my haters and my inner critic?
I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I planted my feet on the soil I was born on until I breathed the air my parents and ancestors inhaled until I tasted flavors from almost a lifetime ago I longed and longed and longed to feel whole until I returned to my homeland and it was the piece of the puzzle found I needed to finally complete me
and the roses never wilted, they just transformed into flowers never seen before for a while it looked like they were dying as they slowly turned gray and then black but then they bloomed into something different, a unique kind of beautiful
today I woke up overwhelmed, exhausted and in a fit of rage feeling underappreciated in all of my efforts to move my family forward not remembering the last time I had a full day of rest wondering how to continue this existence of 60 something work weeks, and of course the guilt over not spending enough time with my kids- I was downtrodden with grief and mad at the world until my abuela’s story made its way to a conversation with my coworker and a small light of hope dawned on me if my illiterate and indigenous abuela Mercedes, alone in the world could make generational wealth in the early 1900s despite the racism, the obstacles, and many tragedies faced I, too. will not only survive but will also thrive and continue to shine my light it’s in my bloodline, my ancestry to evolve, push myself forward despite obstacles, mental illness, or life’s tragedies-IT’S UP TO ME! as a Peruvian woman living in America in the 21st century to make the best of what’s been given to me which sometimes feels like the sourest of maize and turn them in the sweetest and tastiest Chicha
Libra season is upon us as summer turns to fall- a year ago, I was returning from my homeland recharged and determined 2 years ago, I was angry and using my rage to fuel my creativity and train for a 5k and 3 years ago, I was a hot and exhausted Emotional mess among the madness of COVID And this Libra season, I’m entering it free from the chains of matrimony and every expectation my parents and society has placed on me This Libra season, I will honor and pay tribute to my abuela Mercedes for the independent and strong woman that she was and celebrate my friends Melia and Quinn’s birthdays show them how grateful I am for their existence This Libra season, I’ll set intentions and manifestations for the next 6 months for the life I dream of and envision For myself and my sons This Libra season I’m determined more than ever to make miracles and magic happen- And prove to myself and anyone who ever doubted me that I’m not just a crazy and savage bitch but I’m also a magical and intelligent one who’s constantly evolving
the plane slowly takes off and I take flight with it I leave behind past troubles,past trauma and go on an adventure to find healing and the best version of myself
I looked for a sense of home, a sense of identity in all of the wrong Places – man after man Shopping spree after shopping spree, drink after drink all were temporary fixes for something I never had a stable home, a true sense of identity until one day I realized these temporary bandaids were never or will ever be my home because that sense of home, that sense of identity lies within myself
Susan from Oconee County calls concerned about the smell in the air from the sludge in the farms- and my Latina working class immigrant self rolls her eyes in disgust silently mouthing off- “are you fucking kidding me? another rich bitch on a mission to solve her problems of discomfort in her every day bane of existence” but I quietly listen to her as she talks about how it’s impacting the environment and the drive to the pilates studio because she just has to drive with her windows down to breathe in the autumn air as her PSL cools down in the drink holder but now she can’t enjoy her drive because of the sludge and then she breaks down and cries because of the inconsiderate farmers and I think of 1001 ways her privilege white woman ass is being a bitch and the audacity of how, me, a Latina immigrant working class woman is being forced to listen to her idiotic and inconsequential problems but rent needs to be paid and my kids need to be fed so, instead, I say “m’amn, I understand” in my best and whitest customer service voice- while calling her a pinche estupida pendeja in my head- and I reassure with a smile in my voice and tell her, “I’ll make sure someone get your messages which is of utmost importance, and calls you back” and as I hang up the phone, I want to scream and vomit at the same time thinking “I don’t think this was part of my American Dream”
I saw my mother kill the spark in my father He was my age with many dreams, But I’m different,so different No matter who or What gets in my way,I’ll Knock them out Figuratively or literally to get the life I deserve to accomplish my goals The spark in me stays in me and giving a determination to keep going and to NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!
to reach the next level of my life I need to stand firm in alignment with my values I need to be brave and take the necessary steps for my full autonomy even if it’s painful, even if I start to question the process the end result will be the betterment for me and my sons, a life full of purpose a life where I’m no longer attached to anything and anyone who held me back from reaching my potential
I wrote this poem in September of 2019 and 5 years later, I’m posting it on my 1 year divorce anniversary so this poem is extra special to me.
for real, for real
It seems that my freedom is a long time away it is almost hopeless to get away from my prison of obligations and responsibilities I yearn to escape! I love my kids but I’ve stopped loving their dad the space between us became too wide a long time ago and we can never go back to who we were, who we wanted to be So now I long to be free of these marital chains that once upon a time I longed for As hopeless and as hard as it seems I’m determined to be free from my suburban confinement
Crushes–we all get them at some point or another. It doesn’t matter if we’re 13 or 43. They’re unfortunate or fortunate circumstances in our lives depending on how we look at them. I’ve had more of my share of them, and of course, there’s a playlist I listen to when that happens. As jaded in love as I am, there’s a small part of me that’s still a lovergirl. I’ve tried every way to squash the lovergirl in me but apparently it’s resistant to all of the misandrist poetry I write and all of the books I read about hating men and how love is just the most terrible thing in the world. So I’ve just learned to just let her be and write corny AF love poetry and listen to the most romantic music even if it’s nauseating to me. One of my friends told me the nausea part is some kind of trauma response, and she’s probably right, but that’s another blog post for a later time. Anyways,here’s a few poems I wrote about having a crush and my lover girl playlist. The playlist is filled with that, “wtf, I have butterflies in my stomach at my age, let’s goooo!!!” kind of energy or “lmao,I’m living some kind of modern Victorian infatuation story or I’m straight up delusional” energy. My most recent crushes have been on Ben Affleck, Benjamin Franklin(cause I’m a materialistic bitch) and of course, Yung Gravy. See y’all, I’m not always a hater when it comes to love (contrary to a lot of what y’all see in the blog) , I, too, have a little romantic girl somewhere in me. Maybe I could manifest that Ben Affleck, Yung Gravy, or a millionaire, sees this blog post, gets a crush on ME and makes their way to my hometown and takes me away in their private jet.
Here are the poems:
Not in my plans
I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t in my plans for self improvement But I fell for you in spring I don’t even know when it started to happen All I remember is absolutely hating it hated how soft and corny it made me hated how I started smiling at your messages hated how you started to melt my jadedness about love and how I finally felt like love was a possibility for me
5/2/23
it’s me on a quest to find my Travis Kelce
Fight with the romantic girl
The romantic in me riots and protests and says this solitary confinement is bullshit It’s been over a year since we’ve been intimate with anyone or felt a romantic connection and I try to reason with her “We’re still healing and we’ like to stay emotionally regulated And healthy” and she yells, “no it’s time to take all of our therapy skills out for test drive and find someone we vibe with’ And I answer, “but we’re not” And she screams, “stop with your excuses go find the next muse of your poetry
7/29/23
wondering who my next Ace of Cups will be
So embarrassing
thought I was done with this part of my life accepted solitude was now my new life but you had to smile at me butterflies appear and I want to vomit my heart races every time you’re near And ugh, I fucking hate you for this so embarrassing at my age to crush on someone so hard and to write poems about a new unrequited love And I tried to ignore and quell this feeling but you have the audacity to appear in my dreams maybe it’s your fire energy, maybe it’s your poetry I’m not sure exactly what it is but fuck you for bringing out the romantic in me
2024
I have honestly done this more than a few times this year-I have issues according to Google
Lover Girl Playlist: Ew -Crush Culture
Crush Culture-Conan Gray I’m not in love- Will to Power Begin Again- Taylor Swift Bad Habit-Steve Lacy The Prophecy- Taylor Swift Late Night Talking-Harry Styles Sanctuary-Joji Dreaming of You-Selena Nonsense- Sabrina Carpenter Overdrive- Conan Gray Still Falling for You- Ellie Goulding Ceilings- Lizzie Alpine People Watching- Conan Gray Footnote-Conan Gray Dress-Taylor Swift Means Something- Lizzy McAlpine Enchanted- Taylor Swift Clementine-Yung Gravy The Louvre-Lorde Pessimist- Julia Michaels Risk-Gracie Abrams HOT TO GO-Chappell Roan Mastermind- Taylor Swift So High School- Taylor Swift Still Chose You- The Kid LAROI Invisible String-Taylor Swift Long Story Short-Taylor Swift So American-Olivia Rodrigo Disaster- Conan Gray Lover- Taylor Swift
Below is are the links for Spotify and YouTube in case you do want to get in touch with your inner romantic:
Crush Culture makes me want to spill my guts out-Conan Gray
Life on the BPD 