Maybe I need a new love story-even if it’s temporary so I can find relief and some peace from this loneliness That’s making me into an insane mess Maybe losing myself in someone else Will stop making me feel less- or perhaps what’s really happening It’s me allowing my depression talk me into finding a solution- for my neverending frustration with healing and growth and always having to look within for what I need But perhaps if I had somebody maybe for once, I could just be
I wrote this poem in October of 2022 with the help of Quora.
honestly though…
what do most people not understand about borderline personality disorder? what are borderline psychopaths? can you trust someone with borderline personality disorder? can someone who has bpd have empathy and feel bad for what they have done? does a borderline individual ever had a hard time getting over someone or can they easily forget? what is borderline personality rage? what hurts a person with BPD? why is borderline personality so contradictory? do people with BPD act normal to everyone except the person they’re splitting on? are people with BPD childlike ? can unconditional love treat borderline disorder? does a person with bpd make their partners go crazy? how do borderlines show they love you? do borderlines ever find happiness, hope or a genuine connection? what does a bpd episode look like? should someone with BPD ever disclose that to a potential mate? when do relationships with PwBpd start to fall apart? are borderline psychotic? can borderline disorder be cured?
a tsunami of trauma washes over me and I regress to being 16- as I walk on the beach where I first fell in love as I stand on the bridge where I lost my shit and almost jumped off- regret and guilt sit at the bottom of my stomach and I want to vomit Instead, I pause and count to ten and breathe and I’m transported back to my present I’m safe again in my body- as I come to accept and love the immature and impulsive girl I once was who carelessly gave herself to others who never thought about the consequences and took risks she wasn’t the atrocity I made her out to be- she was just in a rush to live her life
To my sons, when I leave the earth Remember I am with you always I am in my oldest son’s resilience I am in my middle son’s dark humor I am in my youngest son’s bright energy I exist in your laughter, in your cries, in your failures, in your wins I am and always will be with you
me in September of 2022,,,the transformation is complete
The transformation is complete from caterpillar and butterfly It was full of painful epiphanies that brought an epic catharsis It was life changing and transcendental Facing my fears, driving out the toxicity within Acknowledging brutal truths, letting go of regrets and embracing my divine duality I’ve finally become the butterfly I was always meant to be who flies and lands on her own terms
the nostalgia of Lima sets in and I ache for the sights, sounds, and warmth of my homeland- even though it’s been a few days I want to go back already I don’t feel myself fully in American my body’s here but my spirit was left in lima maybe because the few memories I have of Lima are happy and mostly pure from trauma whereas in America it’s been tragedy after tragedy disappointment after disappointment and while I’ve planted my roots here with my children my spirit now resides somewhere in Lima
One day the memory of you will fade away and my heart will be grateful for that- because I can’t move on to a new love story until I stop dreaming of you until I stop writing about you It wouldn’t be fair to me or to him to attempt to write a new love story when remnants of the old one still show up in my poetry
My son holds the universe in his eyes with his potential, with his sense of wonder his eyes are not yet jaded by the inhumanity of this world and I dread when the day comes as his innocence starts to fade
Fui una estúpida al pensar que tu serias algo diferente alguien que se quedarÃa pero repetà el mismo error enamorarme de otro hombre confundido enamorarme de potencial y cerrar los ojos a la realidad esto me pasa por seguir creyendo en cuentos de hadas donde el prÃncipe salva a la princesa donde el prÃncipe se queda para siempre y no se va cuando le da la gana