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Poem : Numbness

Mood

The numbness comes back 

and there is nothing to fill the void

Running, drinking, dancing

Nothing stops the thoughts

about deleting myself

from this cesspool called life

What’s the point?

To love and get your heart 

crushed over and over and over again

I had come so far

and to think this one

was well different

But once again

I was wrong, so wrong

Love stories aren’t meant

for people like me

Because I’m too much,

Too hard, too crazy

To ever be truly loved

But I keep going, I keep continuing 

One step at a time,

One day at a time

to live

Because that’s the right and brave

thing to do

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poetry: buspar

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

image of me when I tried to quit Buspar

I wanted to kill my sex drive so I stopped taking buspar
and while my sex drive has finally waned
the side effects are slowly killing me
between the mental fog, the constant headaches,
the nausea followed by the loss of appetite
there’s a reason they tell you to wean slowly
from psychiatric drugs, to do it under the care
of a medical provider
stopping cold turkey lends to a spiral of madness
and a physical ailment I never intended

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Poetry: I’m in Love

I’ve got a secret 🙊

I’m in love and I hold my breath

wondering when this wondrous feeling 

will end.

When will you stop looking at me

like I’m magic?

When will I stop fantasizing about you?

When will we both tire of each other?

When  will we end up in a predictable rut?

So I hold on to this  moment when I’m in love 

and hold my breath hoping that it’s a long time

before the end. 

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poetry: motherhood

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

me with my youngest son

there are days I don’t feel strong enough to be their mom
maybe it’s insecurity that weighs heavily on me
after every fight, after every conflict
it was easier when they were small
and I was their favorite person
the one they ran to the moment I opened the door
nowadays I work much and they have their own interests
to have much to do with me
nowadays they bring up grievances of everything
I’ve done and am doing wrong
is this karma for being a bad daughter to my mom
is this karma for being selfish and self absorbed
for a few years of their lives
Who knows-
maybe it’s not about being strong, being right,
or being respected
maybe it’s about them knowing they are loved

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Poetry: Picture

I painted myself as pretty picture

And neatly put my myself

in a pretty little box

                        that he could take out

                and open at his convenience 

I painted myself as a pretty picture

and left out my ugly and temperamental nature

because I didn’t want him to leave

I painted myself as a pretty picture

for him to admire and love as it pleased him

and I ended up leaving out the real me

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poetry: for once

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

this poem is about me and only me

for once I want to be missed, for once I want to be remembered
for once I want to feel valuable and worth effort
but it’s a fantasy I need to let go of
it’s a dream that will never come true
it’s time to grow up and plant my feet firmly on the ground
acknowledge my worth and hold onto my pride and dignity
and stop chasing delusions and daydreams
aside for all of the inspiration
it’s never gotten me anywhere

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Poetry: Mother of Three

Me and my youngest at 13

Mother of three

What does that even mean?

Responsibilities, obligations, duties

Alcohol and going out are taboo for me

Songs of sacrifices and martyrdom

Are the tunes I hum

Dinner with friends and

concerts are just WRONG!

Soccer games and play dates

Are my important dates

No time to spend 

With my lifetime mates?

Mother of three,

Will I ever be free?

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poetry: three years ago

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

thinking about the chaotic move of May of 2021

three years ago, I was dealing with the most chaotic move of my life
never thought my new home would see the death of me
the princess who moved in
and the resurrection of the queen I was about to become

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Poetry: No Expectations

But I lost it like a promise- Conan Gray

I told myself “no expectations”

“Just use him for a short time”

That’s all he’ll be good for

But his words, his gaze

His hands, his lips

Felt like home the first night

This can’t be happening

This can’t be real 

This isn’t who I want to be with

But my heart wouldn’t listen

To the logic in my head, 

The advice from my friends

I had the first hit and I needed to go back-

I feel like a pathetic drug addict-

I told myself “no expectations”

And yet a year later-

Here we still are in our 

Intense and passionate love affair

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poetry: a snap 3 years later

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

remembering how I posted this snap so the muse of this poem would see it-lol

saw you and knew right away there wouldn’t be a second date
thought I made that apparent enough at the end
but 3 years later you send me a snap to ask me
if I’m still interested
Sorry
but the woman you met is no longer who I used to be
maybe you had a chance with her
but the new me-she’s careful who she gives access to
the new me has cut off any strings left
from the old life the old me use to live

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Poem: Healthy is Boring

Healthy is boring

When you only know

pain, strife, and destruction

from those who claim to love you

Healthy is boring

when toxicity and chaos

and insecurity

ruled previous relationships

Healthy is boring

when “love” was a word

that held me hostage

to previous lovers

Healthy is boring 

when for the first time

with a lover 

you feel a sureness

With him 

And you feel like you’re enough

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poetry: regret

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

so delusional

waited for you at the bar as I downed a margarita
anxiety and anticipation sat in my belly
wondering if I could be your dream girl
wondering if this time you’d kiss me
Wondering if there would ever come a day
I’d regret meeting you

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poetry: every time

I wrote this poem in May of 2024.

once upon a time, I was obsessed with a fuck boi

everytime you disappear, I lose an ounce
of the fondness and affection I hold for you
this last time,I didn’t even notice
I thought, good for him
he found someone else to stroke his ego
and validate him
but here you are again
everything I once felt for you
has dried out
and I have nothing left to say
as you try to nonchalantly come back into my life
I’m filled with indifference this time
holding onto my new sense of empowerment
careful to not again fall under your spell
once again