Ahora veo que tu tenias razón en acabar nuestro cuento de amor Ahora veo que tu adiós fue una bendición y no es que porque te odio o porque te tengo rencor no, al contrario te deseo lo mejor te deseo que el universo te bendiga con felicidad y paz entiendo ahora que lo de nosotros no podía continuar por que tu nunca fuistes y nunca serías el hombre que me ayudaría evolucionar o que apreciara mi creatividad o que pudiera luchar a mi lado cuando la realidad de la vida se vuelve un huracán difícil de navegar me hiciste un favor al irte para espacio para alguien con la fortaleza y valor que tu nunca tuviste
I used to lie about my sins when I went to confession- to have something, anything to confess to arouse interest in the priest to not feel the burden of goodness on me- and the priest gave me prayers and rosaries to atone for my made up sins
Siempre soy una perdedora en el amor y esto me agobiaba, me hacía sentir menos pero después de investigar las razones de mis rupturas amorosas Descubrí que la culpa no era mía, ni de mis exes ni del destino- lo que pasa es una mujer poderosa y fuerte como yo se va a demorar y demorar para encontrar a alguien que me sepa apreciar y amar como la reina que soy
stuck between two divas-I was never meant to stand out my older sister shouted cries of continued injustice my younger sister just cried over any little thing my parents tried their best to give us individual attention but sometimes I got left behind between the shuffle of my sisters’ hysterics and while I hold no ill will towards my sisters or my parents I wonder what my life would have been life if I had been the first or last born
hay que tomarnos tiempo para conocernos antes de brincar en otra tragedia de amor hay que ver que encajamos de verdad antes de profesar “te amos” y “te quieros” y no apresurarnos en empezar algo que algún día nos destruirá
basta de tanto esperar ha alguien que me sepa apreciar mami me dice que es porque no me dejo respetar porque me dejo llevar por la pasión del momento sin pensar y a lo mejor mami tiene la razón debería de dejar de escuchar a los deseos temporáneos de mi corazón y empezarme a valorar
As far as what my future holds for me, I’ve been doing a lot of long term goal planning and manifestations the past few years and that’s been working for me. Here’s a recent blog post I wrote about it:
The past 2 years was me trying to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I had this very vague idea, almost like a sketch but now I have a clear picture of what that is exactly. Getting out of survival mode was crucial for this development and I’m excited about the future. One thing I can tell you is that there will definitely be more storytelling. In fact, for the month of September, I’m telling my story chronologically with some of the moments in my life that most impacted me. This came about organically as I was planning blog content for that month and I said, “fuck it, let’s do this” and “let’s see what happens”. I think that so much of my healing happened because of my storytelling. It was important for me to retell my story because that’s how I took ownership of it. It helped turn me from a victim to heroine in my story and this has been monumental to my healing process. Of course, sometimes that looks crazy and messy but it only proves what a resilient and powerful Queen I am to still be standing despite the chaos and trauma I’ve been through. Here’s a poem I wrote in April about it:
Sharing my story
I’ve taken off my mask and stop repressing my true self- And while it’s terrifying at time, I show the world my authenticity and vulnerability I share the parts of my story that are terrible, happy, sad, lovely, crazy, beautiful, and tragic so others don’t feel alone and find solidarity in my chaotic and bicultural story of love, rage, defeat, hate, and resilience And bring to light my rich and vivid experience of the duality of being a rooted and rootless, Peruvian and American, a hateful and kind woman living her life fearlessly and shamelessly
I restarted this blog a couple of summers ago as a way to cope with my mental breakdown and at the time I had only 17 followers and now I have more than 300 followers who have been incredibly supportive and encouraging throughout this self discovery journey. Thank you to all of you who have given me this safe space on the internet to share my story through blogging and poetry. This has been incredibly instrumental in helping me in my recovery from BPD . It’s given me a sense of love through community that I didn’t know could exist and I’m incredibly grateful and humbled by it. Anyways,if you’ve made it to the end of this blog post, you’re the best. I’m not sure what year 3 after my BPD diagnosis but I hope I continue to evolve and live a life with purpose for the betterment of myself and my kids.
It’s Bichota Season and like Karol G says, “La Vida es Mia”-it’s me and my meds against the world
