I wrote this in November of 2002. November was such a chaotic month that year that I don’t remember who wrote this about. I think it was probably a one night stand that I had a connection with. It’s obvious that I read way too much into the situation than I should have.
Oh it does
My mind tries to forget Everything that happened last night But my heart puts up a fight My mind tells me it’s wrong and a mistake But my heart yells that it wasn’t just sex But it was also fate My mind considers it a lost cause but my heart finds a love feeling once lost
For the thirsty Thursday before Valentine’s Day, I have a sexy playlist for y’all. I’m a very sensual person which should be obvious from reading my blog. I’ve have had different types of sex from one night stands to FWBs to bdsm partners to longterm romantic partners. I’m not in any way ashamed of my sexual adventures. I’mactually proud of my versatility in my sexual adventures that I’ve had for more than 2 decades. It’s one of the perks of my BPD, my hypersexuality. The way I see it, when I get to be an old woman in my 90’s I won’t regret looking back on my life wishing I had tried a certain sexual experience because chances are I’ve probably tried it. Now, have I been slut shamed and judged for my adventurous sex life? Oh yeah, I’ve been slut shamed many, many times since I started having sex and as recently as last year. I could write more about slut shaming but that’s another blog post. Sex for me is one of the best things in life. And I’m not just talking with a partner;I’m also talking about sexy self love with your plastic boyfriend from Amazon (aka your vibrator) and a fantasy in mind. This playlist can be played while you’re fucking or making love to your partner or masturbating. It could be played whether you feel like a sensual princess or a seductive Queen.In the words of George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is fun…not everybody does it but everybody should”. Also, as someone that works for Public Health, I will tell you to get tested for STI/HIV on a regular basis if you are sexually active and always, always use protection.
Mood: Sensual PrincessMood: Seductive Queen
The ones in bold really get me going:
Dress -Taylor Swift PILLOWTALK-Zayn Need You Tonight-INXS Anywhere-112 Trumpets-Jason Derulo Earned It -The Weekend I Touch Myself -Divinyls Come and Talk to Me-Jodeci Any Time, Any Place- Janet Jackson Doin’ It-LL Cool J God is a woman-Ariana Grande Whip Appeal-Babyface Good For You-Selena Gomez I’ll Make Love To You-Boyz II Men Heaven-Julia Michaels Lights Down Low-MAX Red Light Special-TLC Sexual Healing-Marvin Gaye I Wanna Sex You Up-Color Me Badd Leave The Door Open-Bruno Mars I Want Your Sex-George Michael Like a Prayer- Madonna Freak Like Me-Adina Howard WAP-Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion Love You Down-Ready For The Word
I wrote this in November of 2002 about my son’s oldest dad. I don’t know; maybe I read too much into it when he told me he had feelings for me. I guess that maybe I thought he would choose me. Idk. I guess I was delusional or something.
truth
Once upon a time I wanted to kill myself I almost felt myself cross that line Felt like I had no inner wealth But seeing you again Inspired me to pull myself together And this time I knew how to weather When once again you’d decide we couldn’t be together And I’d had to once again face your “accidental” departure
I wrote this in November of 2002 about my oldest son’s dad. I guess I was trying to view things from his perspective. Seeing him again felt surreal and almost like a dream.
for real
His memory draws blank Trying to think of that naïve girl And how they made that baby He would later on deny And five years later After meeting again That once precocious girl Turned into a woman He remembers her tender beauty And the sexual tension That drove them crazy to that baby making night And meeting his son for the first time He encounters a world full of regrets
I wrote this in 2002 and it wasn’t actually inspired by any past relationships/ breakups. I don’t know, maybe I understood deep down that I had a tendency to self sabotage relationships.
the post trauma is the worst
Remorseful sentiments of you still come to mind And I ask myself “How could I have been so blind, to screw up everything that meant everything to me? With my selfishness and lies, I destroyed our paradise And I still remember the look upon face As you drove away full of disgust and hate?
I wrote this in 2002 about Matt. I think that the experience with him really put any residual abandonment issues from my childhood to the forefront. Interactions with him throughout my son’s childhood were hard emotionally for me for this reason.
exactly
We meet once again And you pretend to be my friend Like nothing ever happened Like I forgot you never took a stand? To be a father to our son How can you be so damn dumb? How could it have taken you so long? To finally admit you were wrong But I’ll forgive you But I won’t ever forget the hell you put us through Just remember It can never go back To the way we once were
I wrote this in November of 2002 about Matt when he contacted me again and said he was coming to see our son for the first time. It was a really confusing and chaotic time for me. Even after everything that had happened and I had been through I was still romanticizing him. Ugh. Gotta love that BPD.
ain’t that the truth
I thought my feelings for you had come to an end When you thought it was best For us to go our separate ways And all of a sudden Once again you appear Explaining you felt a strong need To be near me That in your time away You realized you made The biggest mistake By breaking us apart You broke your own heart A part of me is sad A part of me is happy I want to save my dignity What am I to do? I want to be with you But don’t want to end up a fool
Escribí este poema en el 2002 acerca del padre de mi primer hijo. Sentía sentimientos encontrados después de no verlo en muchos tiempo.
Asi es a veces
El no se acuerda de esa niña adolescente Y como llegaron ha hacer Aquel bebe que el nego Y ahora cinco años después Al conocer de nuevo esa niña consentida Convertida en toda una mujer Se acuerda de su belleza Y esa fricción sexual de como locos Los llevó a la cama Y al ver a ese bebe convertido Le vienen los tardes remordimientos
I wrote this in November of 2002 after meeting John. When I get excited about someone, I get EXCITED!
basically
I don’t know how you got me to feel like this again So happy, so free For once, I’m excited about living Maybe it was the way We danced to the music Quickly finding our own rhythm Or the way you kissed me Gently on my face Or maybe, just maybe, it’s love
Escribí este poema en Octubre del 2002 acerca del padre de mi hijo mayor. Tenía bastante sentimientos encontrados pero mas que todo tenía rabia.
La Reina Maria Felix
Yo no soy aquella niña ingenua Que tu conocistes La que dejaba todo por ti La que creía en el amor Que tu le prometías La que te amaba Sin razón, sin condiciones Sin enfrentar realidades Esa soñadora quedo atras Y esta mujer que ves Es una mujer desilusionada, realista, Y pessimista No cree en nadie que le promete amor Y se ha vuelto fría Todo esto gracias A tu desgraciada ausencia
She came in before him into the same house she was at a year ago. She wonders to herself why she‘s there at all. She knows the minute she steps into the room; it will be like welcoming back a ghost into her life. She feels like she has no choice. He offers her a drink, and she gladly takes many, hoping that this will numb the outcome her mindless and impulsive actions have taken her to. She wants to say “no” and that she has a boyfriend she wants to be faithful to but knows that now it’s too late. She stops him for a minute after he takes off her shirt and unhooks her bra. She tells him she needs to use the bathroom, and in the bathroom, she writes this. A night she would like to forget.
I wrote this in November 2002 after a seeing my one of my exes. Chronic feelings of emptiness are one of the symptoms of BPD and in the past I’ve tried to escape it with alcohol or sex. I tried sex this time and it didn’t work.
You DO!
She wants to enjoy herself as his once familiar hands and lips explore her body But she can’t
He kisses her breasts and she feels nothing
His hands touch those special turn -on places in her body And her body remains cold and numb
Then she realizes this meaningless act of intimacy she uses to satisfy her body’s urges is no longer enough
She now needs something more, she is frightened but the newfound emptiness Of it all She realizes she need love
Escribí este poema en Noviembre del 2002. Fue inspirado por muchas experiencias que había tenido en ser siempre “la chica divertida del momento” para los hombres y nunca la chica con la cual quieren compartir su vida.
siempre
Ellos quedan acostados en la cama El la mira, ella tan dormida, tan quieta Y el piensa en muchas cosas Aquel acuerdo que hicieron Cuando todo esto empezó Las condiciones que el le pidio a ella Que ella nunca podría enamorarse de el Y lo único que ellos podrían tener sería un juego de sexo y nada mas Tan simple que todo esto empezó Pero el nunca contó con enamorarse de esta niña-ingenua, inconveniente, e inocente de la vida No contaba con extranar a esta niña Caprichosa pero con una dulzura tierna Y por fin Nunca se imaginaba con este dia que ahora no siente poder vivir sin ella y sus pequeñas riquezas
Life on the BPD 