I wrote this poem in September of 2022.
we’re not promised tomorrow, so we must make the best of our todays-
making community with our friends, reconnecting with our roots
loving our children with a loud fervor
we’re not promised tomorrow, so we must appreciate
everything we have
the legs that take us on walks and runs
the creativity that flows from our minds
the laughter shared with loved ones
I wrote this poem in September of 2023.
my heart is full of what ifs? What if it works out?
What if I’m not as dumb as I think I am?
What If I stop listening to the voices in my head
that taunt me-telling me I’m not good enough?
What if I’m brave enough today
and chase my dreams despite my haters
and my inner critic?
I wrote this poem in September of 2022.
I longed and longed and longed to feel whole
until I planted my feet on the soil I was born on
until I breathed the air my parents and ancestors inhaled
until I tasted flavors from almost a lifetime ago
I longed and longed and longed to feel whole
until I returned to my homeland
and it was the piece of the puzzle found
I needed to finally complete me
I wrote this poem in September of 2023.
The ME from June of 2014 sends me a message asking, where are you?
I tell her, life didn’t go as planned-you’re divorced and looking for a place for your ex
but your kids are thriving-your oldest son has his driver’s license and is on his last semester of college
Your middle son will graduate from high school this year-
and your baby is now taller than you and becoming his own person
You’re working 2 jobs and you’re a citizen now and you’ve been to therapy
to learn healthier coping mechanisms-
you even drive now-you’re independent as fuck and live life on your own terms
you’ve even been to Peru twice-
You’re learning to follow your intuition and how use discernment in your choices
in how you live your life-
you’ve discovered your values underneath everything society brainwashed into you
and at the end of the day all you want be is a good mom and a good person
that’s the extent of your life’s purpose-
now that we know who we are
our next step is to plan the future we want-
we’ll keep on thriving girl-you were the go getter and determined woman in me
Even among one of my greatest depressions
You still got up and followed your passions-
And you laid the foundation-we’ll be okay-I promise
I’ll make you proud of me-
Love patty
I wrote this poem in September of 2022.
and the roses never wilted,
they just transformed into flowers
never seen before
for a while it looked like they were dying
as they slowly turned gray and then black
but then they bloomed into something different,
a unique kind of beautiful
I wrote this poem in September of 2023.
today I woke up overwhelmed, exhausted and in a fit of rage
feeling underappreciated in all of my efforts
to move my family forward
not remembering the last time I had a full day of rest
wondering how to continue this existence
of 60 something work weeks,
and of course the guilt over not spending enough time
with my kids-
I was downtrodden with grief and mad at the world
until my abuela’s story made its way to a conversation
with my coworker and a small light of hope dawned on me
if my illiterate and indigenous abuela Mercedes,
alone in the world could make generational wealth
in the early 1900s
despite the racism, the obstacles, and many tragedies faced
I, too. will not only survive but will also thrive
and continue to shine my light
it’s in my bloodline, my ancestry to evolve,
push myself forward despite obstacles, mental illness,
or life’s tragedies-IT’S UP TO ME!
as a Peruvian woman living in America in the 21st century
to make the best of what’s been given to me
which sometimes feels like the sourest of maize
and turn them in the sweetest and tastiest Chicha
I wrote this poem in September of 2022.
gratitude taste like mami’s sopa de pollo
gratitude smells like my lover’s cologne
gratitude feels like a warm hug from my son
gratitude sounds like my sister’s car in my driveway
gratitude looks like me looking at the Goddess in the mirror
I wrote this poem in September of 2023.
Libra season is upon us as summer turns to fall-
a year ago, I was returning from my homeland
recharged and determined
2 years ago, I was angry and using my rage
to fuel my creativity and train for a 5k
and 3 years ago, I was a hot and exhausted
Emotional mess among the madness of COVID
And this Libra season, I’m entering it free from
the chains of matrimony
and every expectation my parents and society
has placed on me
This Libra season, I will honor and pay tribute
to my abuela Mercedes
for the independent and strong woman that she was
and celebrate my friends Melia and Quinn’s birthdays
show them how grateful I am for their existence
This Libra season, I’ll set intentions and manifestations
for the next 6 months for the life I dream of and envision
For myself and my sons
This Libra season I’m determined more than ever
to make miracles and magic happen-
And prove to myself and anyone who ever doubted me
that I’m not just a crazy and savage bitch
but I’m also a magical and intelligent one
who’s constantly evolving
I wrote this poem in September of 2022.
the plane slowly takes off
and I take flight with it
I leave behind past troubles,past trauma
and go on an adventure
to find healing and the best version of myself
escribí este poema en septiembre del 2023.
mis antepasados me visitan en sueños para darme ánimos,
para que no me hunda en mi amargura
para que me cubra con esperanza y fe
Que nunca pare de mejorar y evolucionar
escribí este poema en septiembre de 2023.
me haces sentir algo que pensé
era imposible
y casi me hundo en un mundo de remordimientos
Porque olvide mi promesa a nunca ser vulnerable
en creer en el amor-
pero ya es demasiado tarde, no hay marcha atras
estas hincado en mi sueños, mis pensamientos
y mi corazón
I wrote this poem in September of 2023.
the evidence of my emotional affair stares back at me-
taunting me with a smirk-
sexy photos exchanged while both of us were legally bonded
to other people
flirty emails sent back and forth to satisfy my craving for attention
I couldn’t get from my husband
It was fun and sexy, wasn’t it?
We were our own Gen X, low rent version of Ashley Madison
seeing how much both of us could get away with-
except that for years, it hurt me and caused me so many trust issues
after learning you had been married the entire time
of our decade long flirtation
and you acted like a psychopath when I confronted you with it-
like my feelings of betrayal weren’t valid,
and you tried to gaslight me into believing I was a crazy bitch
and a few years later, I’m divorced and reflect on our torrid affair
and shame takes a hold of me
as well as regret over that day in the parking lot
of second and charles when I gave
into my yearning for you-
I try to hold compassion for the atrocity of our infidelity
and for the younger version of me who was so selfish
and allowed her ego to guide her
And allowed herself to continue her pseudo friendship
With you-
allowing you to use me for emotional labor
while you slept next to your wife and lied to her and me
I’ve tried for years to find forgiveness for you
even empathy, tried to not always see you as villain
in my story
But forgiveness, compassion, and empathy for you
Evades me
And I’ve come to the conclusion-
You’ll always be the most toxic story in my life-
One of the three things in my life I’ll forever regret
the one who should have left my life
once I made vows to my husband
but instead you stood there selfishly
pushing your lust driven agenda on me-
not respecting my marriage or yours
one of the three people in my life
I’ll never forgive
for the impact of trauma
You made on me
I wrote this poem in September of 2021.
I long to run free in a world free from prejudice and pride
I long to run free in a world free from judgment and ignorance
I long to run free in a world that accepts people like me
I long to run free in a world where I’m not hypervigilant
about toning myself down
escribí este poema en septiembre del 2023.
La tormenta de mi ira después de otro rechazo viene en español
y lloro de cólera y furia
porque de nuevo confíe en la persona equivocada
y mis antepasados se me acercan y me abrazan
me hacen acordar de mi valor
y que ninguna persona tiene derecho a menospreciarme
pero también me dicen que aprenda de esta lección
y que tengo que ser más cuidadosa en seleccionar mis amistades
I wrote this poem in September of 2021.
I looked for a sense of home,
a sense of identity
in all of the wrong
Places –
man after man
Shopping spree after shopping spree,
drink after drink
all were temporary fixes
for something I never had
a stable home, a true
sense of identity
until one day I realized
these temporary bandaids
were never or will
ever be my home
because that sense of
home, that sense of identity
lies within myself
Life on the BPD 